


Ya'll Need Jesus

by oleanderedits



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Gen, I'm Sorry, M/M, Modern AU, Stripper AU, They aren't actually in a relationship, bisexual!Daryl, but daryl's into him, but it could be pre-slash, crackfic, crass language and descriptions, idk if I'll do more with this, jesus is a stripper in this because the puns write themselves, pansexual!Merle, so much blasphamy, sometimes a writer needs to write something on the silly side, they don't even interact
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 17:54:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10392606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oleanderedits/pseuds/oleanderedits
Summary: It's Daryl's birthday and Merle's dragged him to a strip club.





	

There were few things that Merle did that could really rile Daryl up to the point of being ready to walk out on his brother. Very few. We're talking has to be worse than driving a doped up Dixon forty miles outside of town, to the very edge of his parole limit at three in the goddamned morning just so he could pick up a dime bag of bad pot from a chick he met four years before and couldn't remember if he'd laid or not so he talked her into a discount of he could make her see 'God' in ten minutes or less. The last half of that while Daryl waited in the car, trying to keep his eyes averted because neither of them had bothered to go inside so Merle was on his knees in front of her where the Good Lord and all his Angels had to look away in shame.

Dragging Daryl to a strip club and realizing it was 'Ladies Night' ten minutes into the first dancer's set (and how his brother didn't realize that sooner he had no clue cause he sure as hell weren't liquored up good yet) and deciding they were gonna *stay* and enjoy the show was pushing that internal limit. Not because it was some very attractive men getting close to naked while dozens of women screamed and waved dollar bills at them. Not because of the looks they were occasionally getting from the crowd and the leers that followed when the housewives playing at being 'bad' got it into their heads that the two of them were gay. Not even because of the same assumptions being made by the waitstaff (thankfully without the suggestive looks). But because Merle fucking Dixon kept hooting at each of the dancers and inviting them to come help his baby brother relax.

Sure there were a couple of them that Merle invited into his lap instead, but not most of them. Not by a long shot. It was Daryl's 41st birthday and somehow that meant it was the 'stripper birthday' (every birthday was the 'stripper' birthday according to Merle) and he insisted and insisted and eventually Daryl did as he always did and just followed in his brother's footsteps. It was almost always a bad idea, of course. But this one just seemed worse than normal.

In large part because of the very pressing impulse to somehow become one with the booth's pleather seat and the heat that wasn't leaving his cheeks because of how often Merle yelled out to the dancers asking them to show his brother a good time. It didn't matter that Daryl had no interest in any of them...

Okay, so the fourth one on stage that night who had a second showing an hour later was someone he wouldn't mind having in his arms at some point. Just... not in public. Or anywhere Merle could see it and confirm that he had any interest in men. He'd never hear the end of it. Hell, He could almost believe Merle had figured out he was bisexual and that's why he was pushing so hard if not for the fact that Merle just liked to embarrass the hell out of him. Than and Merle didn't really care what he stuck his dick in, so long as they had a pretty face and were ready and willing. So a strip club was a strip club was a strip club in his eyes.

Three hours in and the night finally starting to wrap up for the main show, Daryl was eyeing the door hard while Merle got himself a lap dance from some overly-skinny kid with hair dyed green and green glitter all over his body. Man was a beanpole with the stage name 'Jolly Green Giant' on account of his dick size. As near as he was, it was damn sure he weren't stuffing and Merle made sure Daryl knew it. Wasn't on purpose, just, Merle was vocal in his praise of the body swaying above his own pecker and giving it something to be excited about.

The grand finale was coming and the final dancer of the night had his introduction starting. Stage went dark. Lights around the house dimmed. A stained glass image of what looked like Jesus Christ himself standing there praying in soft shadows was lit up from below. A man who looked to be an honest-to-God bible thumping preacher stepped out.

"Hello my children," he smiled and his smile was one of the kindest and most open smile Daryl had ever seen. It made him uncomfortable. No man should look and sound like that at a strip club.

The man waited until the crowd had died down a little, though there were plenty of women still screaming at him to 'take it off', before he continued, "My name is Father Gabriel and I am pleased to see you attending tonight's sermon. It's an honor to have so many fine upstanding women... and men... in the house of God tonight. Surely sinners such as yourselves need the blessing I'm here to convey."

A round of laughter rippled through the room. At this point, Merle's dance had ended and he was now paying attention to the stage. From the frown creasing his forehead, he wasn't much happy with the turn of events. He'd never been big on church, but he didn't consider himself one to make fun of the Faithful. And this was edging mighty close.

"Please, my fellow sinners, I do hope you'll understand I mean no offense," Gabriel continued as he clasped his hands together and moved to stand to one side, "When I say to you:"

His smile finally transformed from the kindly one to a sly, very dirty one and he called out loudly, "Ya'll need _Jesus_!"

Merle was fuming and starting to stand, but stopped as he caught sight of Daryl leaning forward to watch that shadowy figure of Jesus in the stained glass start moving and the opening cords to 'Your Own Personal Jesus' crashed loudly through the speakers, nearly drowned in the excited screams of the women. Gabriel started pulling his habit off, a second man dressed as priest joining him on the stage, opposite side, so they could flank the Good Lord's son as he stepped out from behind the glass.

By default, Daryl has seen a lot of strip shows. Merle dragged him to enough of them over the years, he had a good measure of them to compare quality to. This was not the best he'd ever seen. It was sort of middling as far as actual ability went. But the draw was clearly the blasphemous good time having the spitting image of every Jesus that had ever graced the flyers passed around by nearly every church in northern Georgia he could think of taking his toga off and mouthing encouragement to all the dollars being flashed in his face and stuffed down his thong whenever it got close enough. The fake priests dancing with him definitely helped.

Daryl didn't even know he was engrossed in the show until it was almost over and Merle was moving to nudge his shoulder with a conspiratorial grin on his face. When Daryl gave him a side eye, the grin just grew. Any hangups he had over them making fun of religion was of far less concern than Daryl finally showing some amount of interest in any of the skin they'd seen that night.

"You thinkin' about findin' Jesus, baby brother?"

"Shut up, Merle," Daryl shoved his brother's shoulder and stood, walking off before Merle could get another word in edgewise and piss him off more.


End file.
